REMINDER!

For those in the SIDE COMP, this week you can only select from two games:

St Kilda v Geelong

or

Melbourne v West Coast.

Any other game will mean you are out of the side comp...

Le Tour de Drugs

Details on the right... The Falcon - a Blues man who probably tipped the Bombers - has some witty repartee to give you, and Go Jana Love Tamsyn has set up a tipping comp... details on the right there - Go Hard.

Round 13 - Who's Bad?

HEY PEOPLE! YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T HEARD BUT MICHAEL JACKSON DIED! NO! SERIOUSLY! HE DIED!

My lordy - could we please have ANOTHER news report or special on MICHAEL BLUDDY JACKSON? He died on Friday, and on Sunday it was STILL leading the news. Second story - 6 kids die in a car accident.

NEWSFLASH!!! AT BEST HE WAS A WEIRD MO'FO! AT WORST HE WAS A KIDDIE FIDDLER!

Priorities ladies...

From my side... well I never blamed it on the sunlight, the moonlight OR the boogie. I knew he was bad, and I knew that he didn't know if he was black or white or just some melting piece of putty. RIP but please... please... stop with these bluddy specials!

ANYWAY, speaking of Bad. One Word. Barryhall. BRILLIANT! I know that in the past I have been accused of being a Barry-Lover... and love him I do. The game needs Baz in all his badness. But in this case I can't help but think Rutten could have waved that fly from his own chin without Barry's help. They're saying a minimum of 4 weeks... oof! Can the Swans afford to get rid of him with Mickey O going? I don't think so. But whateva... cos they're not making the 8 this year or next.

One team that isn't bad is the Cats. Of course they beat Port. We all knew that one. The Cats played for about 15 minutes cos that's all they needed to. The Paaaa are a rabble waiting waiting waiting... not sure what for though - maybe a bus to pre-season training 2010.

On Friday night the Bombers gave the Blues a pasting. According to the Gospel of Dave, the Blues were in form and were gonna win. That was my first hint that the Bombers were a good chance. The Blues - like the Bombers - are yer standard garden variety average team. But once Jobe Watson was outta the way the Blues had no chance. It was a spanking. Dave - PLEASE listen to me in the future - they were paying $2.60 straight up and while you did (in the end) back yer own team, you had to go the margin (19 points) to reduce the odds being paid, AND chose to split the bet to include...

Hawthorn. GOOD ONE DAVE! Does he even read my write up? I told you all that the Eagles were the smokey if you wanted an upset, and I was true to my word. It's a shame that once Big Cox withdew I changed my tip to be Hawthorn... hmmm. Anyway, the Hawks. Is that Season End 2009? It's clearly the end of their chances of a Top 6 finish, but as 5 teams fall over eachother to drop out of the finals, the Hawks could just sneak in. Somehow.

Five teams? OK, really it is 4 cos the Swans - despite playing 18 in the back half for the game on Saturday - will struggle to do much from here. The Crows put in a woeful first half, but managed to get back and save it in the second. I looked through the rest of the season and I envisage 5th for the Crows - cos the Pies only have to play 2 decent teams for the rest of the season and travel just the once. Isn't that unusual? The Pies getting a good draw?

The Pies had the pleasure of smashing the Dockers this week. And according to the Micky Mouse, the Pies players answered their critics in beating them. Wow - must have been a tough set of critics if beating a team that has won 3 games all season and lost 6 in a row, is enough to silence them. BRILLIANT! Especially when that team is travelling from Perth after a 6 day break. And loses their best player early on. That is a truly AWESOME performance Mick. You must be SO PROUD.

No upsets with The Sinners giving Tigers a roasting and Brissy similarly caning the Dees. I reckon if the Pies beat the Dees, Mick would say just how amazing the result was. STICK IT UP EM MICK eh? THAT SHOWED EM! Yes, the Dees are magnificent and I bet Vossy couldn't believe how his team responded playing such tough opposition. The Dees scored 2 goals in 3 quarters. A true sign of quality.

Finally the Roos gave the Doggies a run for their money in their first game under crocka-poop. Remember, teams always play well in their first game with a new coach. But only if they get to play a crap team - Evidence bag A: Richmond v West Coast.

The Tipsters

14 people got 7 from 8 this week - none managing the perfect score, although a few did manage to listen to the big fella here and tip the Eagles. Leading the way and tied on 81 points are 101 and last years winner, Line in the Sand. He is clearly tipping the opposition a lot this year...

In the Side Comp we have no further movement. So I am inserting a laxative. This week you must pick from either the Geelong/St Kilda game, or the Melb/West Coast game. It's up to $140 now...

Round 14

Some good games this week starting with the Pies n Bombers. Both coming off solid wins - one against absolute rubbish, one against fellow mediocrity. Tough pick and I'm leaning towards the Bombers... but only if Dave picks the Pies.

In what could be a nil-all draw, the Eagles travel East to take on the might of the Dees. Glorious game. This will put bums on seats. The Dees are incredibly bad but surely at home they can beat the Beagles? Meanwhile down in Adelaide the Paps host the Lions. The Lions travel badly. I'm hoping the Paps win cos then when the Crows beat the Tigers, we'll be above em ;)

The Doggies will hammer another nail in Coffin che Hawk, while the Swans should be good enough to beat a Crocka Roos. Surely? But will the Dockers destroy Season 2009 for the Blues? Again if yer looking for an upset, head West.

Finally, in the Match of the Round, the Sinners play the Cats. Turn it on folks. Turn it on. This will be a ripper. Who am I tipping? I'm an experience kinda guy and I reckon the Cats have been waiting on this for a while... it's their game.

The Half-Time Verdict: Brissy

Position: 5th
W/L: 7/5
Rubbish Factor: 35%

The Lions. What's going on there? The Lions were supposed to be well and truly bottom 8, but Mr Voss has got them firing! Now, before we all get carried away with Mr V, here's a little thing I read yesterday folks. Back in Timmy Watson's rather shabby coaching times, the Sinners won 7 from their first 10 games under 'the Master'. And we all know what happened to Big T - he lost pretty much every game after that for the next 2 years. Of course I'm not suggesting that we should lump Vossy in with the shambles that was T Watson when he had the (Coach) next to his name, but it is worth remembering that sh*t happens.

So how have they won so many games? Hmm. Actually I dunno. But J Brown has been known to play a handy game. Bradshaw seems to be able and willing. D Rich? He can come play for the Crows. Black. Brennan. OK... so I can see why they've won some games. And I can see why they are better than the Rabble. But, much like the Crows, 2009 is not their year. And unlike the Crows, they won't go any further than 6th next year.

Tip em for home game wins and losses elsewhere folks. Simple.

The Half-Time Verdict: Mighty Mighty's!

Position: 6th
W/L: 7/5
Rubbish Factor: 30%

The Mighty Mighty's were of course written off by most at the start of the year. Just another year really. And equally just another year cos the Crows showed em there's still some spark in the tank - 3 Rising Star nominations and 7 n 5 seems reasonable for a team deemed too old n slow.

After a slowish start to the year - compounded by what in hindsight was a tough opening run - the Crows have played all the crappy middle of the road teams in recent weeks and are clearly above them ALL in talent. Now I'm not gonna crap ya ladies - the Crows ARE below the Sinners, Cats n Doggies, and you won't catch me tipping us for a flag - but we ARE above those inbred bogans down Alberton way, and the Blues n Bombers rise and fall depending on if they've played the bottom 4 teams or not. Yep, you can mark the Crows down for a Top 6 finish 2009, and pencil us in a little higher in 2010... you know we're coming...

The Half-Time Verdict: Carlton

Position: 7th
W/L: 6/6
Rubbish Factor: 40%

The Blues. Before the Mighty Mighty Crows entered the AFL and made it their own playpen, I went for the Blues. They were approximately half as good as the Double Blues, and they had young Peter Motley play for them for a while. I loved Peter Motley. I have his autograph somewhere. #2. Running on to Unley Oval as a kiddie... "please sir, can I please have your autograph?" ahhh Glory Days. He was still young and didn't tell me to fck off like 95% of the Aussie Cricketers did (and probably still do.) Of course Sticks played for em too. Bradders (Port Scum until he developed a ticker). Naley. The last gasp glory days of the SANFL. Gold my friends. Gold.

Anyway, I do have a soft spot for the Blues - but only when we beat em. What's not to love about Juddy now he doesn't play with Couz? The man probably still scored when he got home to Twiggy even though he was wearing that bandage *sighs* She seems like a lovely lass. Anyway, 2009. Apparently we know they're coming? I think they've peaked. Round 13 will be the deciding factor between them and the Bombers filling in the vacancies at the bottom of the 8 (I know, I know - but don't look for consistency in my blog!). The Blues are yet another team that Jimmy Hird rated highly early this year so it's no doubt they are dropping down the table. Fev? Can Play. Is Stupid. Kruezer? Quality. Gibbs? Should be playing for the Crows. Murphy? Handy. Actually why the hell aren't they doing better? They should be 12 n zip!!!!

Or maybe not.

The Half-Time Verdict: Essendon

Position: 8th
W/L: 6/6
Rubbish Factor: 85%

Eighty Five Percent. That's right - you heard me. I have based this on the number of times Daaaaave has told me how RUBBISH the Bombers are. Matty Knights? RUBBISH. Scotty Lucas? RUBBISH. Hille? RUBBISH! Ok, actually Dave now tells me Hille is very good and his absence is RUBBISH! If Dave said Dustin the Feltcher was Rubbish he would be onto something. Of course to trust Dave is dangerous. It only seems yesterday that he was telling me that Adam Goodes was RUBBISH. I believe the year was 2003 and the Big South Australian was in the midst of a season that would yield a Brownlow Medal. Ah Dave. He can divide the Pearls from the Swine and keep the flu all to himself. You want RUBBISH?

But the biggest contributing factor in the Bombouts RUBBISH measurement is of course James Bluddy Hird. I know I've said it before, but LET IT GO. Let's be honest - anyone that rates Jobe "Timmy can't be my real father cos he could kick a footy" Watson is having difficulties monitoring reality. This time last year the Bombers were supposedly great. They were so quick. Knights was a saviour. How quick is player x? How fast is player y? Well my son let me show you where they finished last year, and let me know you where they will finish this year. Out Of The Eight. OK OK... that means that the Hawks will sneak in and their pre-season starts in the second week of the finals, but the Bombers will miss the 8 by much my friends. You know it, Dave knows it, Matty Knights knows it, and if James Hird hadn't rammed his head into McVeighs knee, he would know it.

The Half-Time Verdict: Hawthorn

Position: 9th
W/L: 6/6
Rubbish Factor: 55%

6 n 6 at the break. Yes, it is the same as the Paps but I'm sure you'd all agree there is a lot more upside for the Skiddies than the Paps. Why then a higher rubbish factor? All that bluddy whining. Plus they've cost me some tips.

Yep, the Hawks have whined more this year than Malcolm Turnbull in a Kerry O'Brien interview. "I don't want to talk about the email, look at the injuries." In case you haven't heard, the Hawks have had injuries. Well woopdie farken do. Who hasn't had injuries apart from the Sinners? Oh, and the Doggies. And Geelong. See, actually Geelong HAVE had injuries and they are still unbeaten so while one game a Premiership did you get, my respect you did not. And I KNOW that hurts you BAD!

Clearly the Hawks have failed 2009 - I've always said that unless you win 2 in a row, yer Premierships don't count. I've also always said that 3 is just showing off. You see, as all good economists and statisticians and indeed politicians know, it is all about setting the right criteria and measuring accordingly. Which is why the Mighty Mighty Crows are clearly the best team of the last 20 years - if you would like to dispute this, show me which team has won back to backs without showing off in the last 20 years and I will agree with you. The Hawks will not be doing this.

Yes, Jeff clings to the hope that people returning from injury will save them, they won't. They never do. They may be a happy team at Hawthorn but this years pre-season starts in August my friends. On yer Bike.

Round 13 On It's Way

Screw round 12.5 - it was the biggest yawn since I wrote that joke email and forwarded it on to all@treasury.gov.au - how was I to know that they couldn't take a joke? *sighs* Still, it's been time well spent by all sides don't you think?

Round 13 is where it's at and I can't wait! It starts with a battle between that bastion of the mediocrity circa 2009 - Essendon - and that bastion of mediocrity circa 2009 - Carlton. Speak to their supporters (James Hird, The 'Falcon' Nightingale) and they will tell you they should both be 12 n zip after the 12 rounds. It's possible they meant 12 losses of course in which case I'm not arguing, but Jimmy-Boy can't let go of the past. Me says the loser of this will not make the 8. And the only 8 the winner will make is the bottom 8. But it should be a good game, cos ask them - they are both quick.

On Saturday the Pies will cement a spot in the Top 6 by smashing the Dockers. I don't care how close the Dockers get - they are crap. Heave Ho boys. It's time to look at draft picks 2010. Yes, that does mean I rate the Pies as a reasonable second tier team this year. It hurts but it's true. Still, Micky Mouse continues to annoy in ways that I thought only a vagrant flatworm could.

Then the Crows come up against the last chance Swans. Mickey O has announced his retirement at the end of 2009. Ahhh Mickey - one of many great South Aussies to grace the park. And no, of course I'm not referring to any 'incidents' in the Adelaide Parklands. UNSUBSTANTIATED is how I would term it. Anyway... Mickey O is a rather fine player and he should just get to 300. I knew a guy who once made 300. Didn't rate him cos he barracked for the Pies and forced his children to wear Black n White to ANZ - Shame PizeRule, Shame. PizePull maybe! or PizeFool maybe! or PizeAreSux maybe! No... please stop me... I could do this all day... PizeArePuss maybe! or PizeMakeMeCuss maybe! or... ok. Anyway, Shame GayBoy Shame. Talk about dumbing down what I THOUGHT were quite intelligent kiddies.

So, form says the Crows but the Swans will be all guns blazing. And then lose. GO YOU GOOD THING! Actually it will be nice to have some players back from injury and illness - I wouldn't want to blame that for not winning by more than 15 goals each week, but when yer missing some of yer top players it really hurts.

The Eagles host the Hawks. Chalk this one in as yer upset ladies. the Eagles are admittedly quite crap, but at home I reckon they'll have enough in the tank to account for the PooBrowns. Jeff will be writing more letters to the website and Ando will move on from blaming injuries to blaming the umps. You know it, and I know it. If only the Hawkers midfield could kick it as long as Ando *sighs*

In the other Sat night game the Lions will hammer the Dees. It wouldn't matter who was playing the Dees, that line would remain 83.3% intact. The Dees are the worst team to grace a football field since the Sinners of the 80's or Port from last year. Lions by 15 goals.

Sunday and you can put the same margin on the Cats over the Paps. Come on Port supporters - lets see some loyalty - back yer team. Aren't these the kind of games you guys come out and win? Admittedly even yer Coach is sick of the sight of half the team, and hasn't seen the rest cos he rarely bothers showing up at training - he's too busy writing his CV. The Cats do look vulnerable at the moment. Is it just that they are biding their time? It must be annoying always having to play teams that are lower than you. But vulnerable or not, the Cats won't let this slip with the Sinners up in the next round.

The Roos. How ordinary is Crocker. He wouldn't look outta place coaching the Mt Lofty under 8's (go you Devils!). Crocka-sht. Shhh I didn't say that. But seriously - he is ordinary isn't he? On The Couch asked him "What different are you bringing to the team?". His answer was so inspiring I reckon I turned over to watch Double Shot of Love without even realising. Those twins are waaaaaaaaaay cute eh? i don't like their taste in men though - there were no tall skinny pale dudes for them to choose from. The ladies....? Not too bad. But that's their loss. ANYWAY with a Coach like Crocker the season will leave them with a buncha barries and you can pencil them in for 2 more wins this season - and neither of those will be against the Doggies who ARE a good team.

And speaking of mismatches involving recently coach-freed teams against good ones, the Tiggers play the Sinners. The Tiggers. It's all been said before. They are rubbish and the man to blame is T Wallace. Five years in charge and they have gone backwards. The only positive about Tezza is that he was no Rawlings. I wouldn't let him coach the Mt Lofty under 8's (go you Devils!) - never trust a man that looks like Mr Squiggle.

The Half-Time Verdict: Paps

Position: 10th
W/L: 6/6
Rubbish Factor: 50%

The Paaaaah. At the beginning of the season many a Paps Supporter told me how the Crows were too old. They had nothing coming through. The Paaaaaah on the other hand were in for a big year. Big Jimmy Hird rated them highly - top 4 finish he said. My, what a prognosticator he is! I couldn't see it personally - they were crap last year, they were the worst Grand Finalists ever to get onto the G the year before, and they had nuthin goin on in my eyes.

Well 12 weeks have passed and the Paps are 6 n 6 - not disastrous, but those 6 wins have been against crap teams. OK - the Paps DID win the all-important-to-them Showdown, but since then it hasn't been looking too pretty has it ladies? Where is THEIR youth? Where are the silky skills of the Burgers? Chadders? Injured but let's be honest he is the soft ball king when he is playing. "Injured" - something they keep saying. Tears. Please, stop me - it's just a speck of dust. And what of their Bank Balance? "Please Sir, We Need More." When you consider the big plus for the Paps is that Tredders has found some form - something no Paps supporter thought would happen - and they are STILL losing... oh how Sad.

6 n 6 isn't so bad of course - middle of the table - and it only takes a string of a few wins against some crappy teams and they'll be saying how well they've done, and then they'll rate themselves a chance for 2010 under Terry Wallace. And they'll be wrong.

The Half Time Verdict: Sydney

Position: 11th
W/L: 5/7
Rubbish Factor: 50%

The Swans were never gonna be great this year - just another middle tier contender for positions 7-10 on the table - and the loss against the Pies sealed their fate. Big Bad Baz DOES get a raw deal and has some anger management issues, but can you imagine what it's like week in, week out? You look at the team sheet just hoping... surely the Gaffer will see the light this week? But nup, there he is, listed to fumble his way around the backline - LRT. What's going on there? The most startling thing is his selection doesn't raise eyebrows amongst the commentators. Is this some kind of masonic agreement?

As for the others, Leo Barry should have been GONE at the end of last year in favour of bringing a kiddie into the squad, and Crouch has seen better days, but Kirky, Mickey O, Goodsey, O'Keefe and Bazza are a long way ahead of the pack. Big win of the year has been Jolly - where did he come from? All in all, I can't see the Swans doing more than they have - they will go down big time to the Crows next week and sit in the bottom 8 for the rest of the year - and next.

The Half Time Verdict: Kangas

Position: 12th
W/L: 4/8
Rubbish Factor: 50%

The Kangas. Kicking em now feels a little heartless really. After all they've been through. Pfft yeah right. Under Laidley it is fair to say that the Kangas have been overachieving for the last cuppla years. You never know what yer gonna get, but it's usually a gritty result. But they are seriously crap to watch. If they're on, I turn off. Between them, the Dockers and the Paaaa09 variety, they play some of the least attractive footy out there. They have 25k members and they all know the same thing which is why they don't show up.

The Kangas have a buncha passengers out there my friends. Daniel Wells. I thought he was supposed to be good. RUBBISH. OK, they have Harvey and Simpson but it's a barren world in Kanga land. And it will continue to be for the rest of 2009.

The Half Time Verdict: West Coast

Position: 13th
W/L: 3/9
Rubbish Factor: 85%

West Coast. It's not that long ago that they won a Premiership with the second youngest list in the comp. 2005/2006 - they were King Sht and on the up. And now look at them. A Rabble.

Cousins? Gone.

Judd? Gone.

Kerr? May as well be gone.

The rest of the team? Well clearly they ARE gone. I picked em for last so they've done better than I thought, but not THAT much better. That's the only reason I didn't give them a Rubbish Factor of 90% .

But I can't pick too much right with the Beagles. They have always been a boring team - think back to all their Premierships and they were boring affairs eh? As a South Aussie we loved any non-Vic teams but the Beagles were in danger of boring the pants off us - maybe thats what happened to Brad Fittler?

See, I can't even think of anything remotely WITTY to say about them cos they're so wucking boring. *sighs*

The Half Time Verdict: Richmond

Position: 14th
W/L: 3/9
Rubbish Factor: 90%

Ahhh the Tiggers. Weren't they talkin' it up at the beginning of the year? And many a fool believed em. I put my hand up for that - I thought they'd make the eight - indeed in a comp where you had to pick the number of wins for the year, I gave em 12! No - that's no the number for the next 3 years combined - I actually thought they would win twelve games this season. Isn't hindsight a great thing?

BUt they finished last year with a flourish, and they had Benny Boy added to the list. They wouldn't go backwards. Surely. They are Tiger, Hear Them Roar! The season was barely 30 minutes old and all of a sudden it was They are Tiger, They are Poor!

And yet their failure made me happy! Not that I hate the Tiges - how could you? They haven't done anything useful enough to hate in the last 30 years. But I did enjoy the comedy factor. The Tigers are like that Smelly Uncle that says embarrassing things after a few bevvies. He's bludging off society - saying it has been keeping him down - HE didn't get a bluddy stimulus payment OH no. But he hasn't worked a day in his life, he get's enough from the system so that you know he could - nay should - be doing better, and you reap what you sow. Yep, much like the Tigers draft picks in the last 5 years, it's all gone on ciggies n cheap bevvy. And then Mr Wallace says they just don't have the cattle. Hang on - you've been there for FIVE FRIGGIN YEARS!!!! They keep offering you jobs! But you say no... I like that one with no talent. He's GREAT! He'll FIT the tigers well... hmmm!

Their list... You know yer in trouble when the best you've got is the same clown that was the best you had 10 years ago. Richo. When he's not on the training track, Richo wears those big red boots and a big red nose - you generally call him Bozo. Actually he wears the same attire on the field too. But then after him... what have you got? Absolutely nothing. I couldn't tell you one other player that is half decent for them. Maybe Simmonds. Maybe. Feel free to let me know which players you would want on your team if you had free reign.

My tip for the rest of the season is MAYBE 2 or 3 more wins - do they play the Dees n West Coast again? - and yet another draft pick to spend on cheap rollies and a carton of VB.

For the Man Who Has Everything.

Gotta get me one of these!

Harms vs Adelaide

One Man's views on Mr Dangerfields possible mental state in the city that never wakes. Actually the only thing I could disagree on was that they all defend Aussie Leighton - now he's losing he's a True Baddie!

Laidley.

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/sport/afl/story/0,26576,25643836-19742,00.html

As if you didn't already know... Personally I thought he was a crap coach, but then none us thought the Roos were any good and he kept em winning randomly and enough to make the Roos a team not to put yer money against. B'stards!

The Half Time Verdict: Freeeeeeeeo

Position: 15th
W/L: 3/8 (to be 9)
Rubbish Factor: 90%

Purple. What team wears purple? A team that is destined to Fail Forever.

The Dockers were never destined to have a good year but with their home ground advantage I thought they'd have a couple more in the bag so far. The big problem with Freo is they are terminally soft. You just can't respect 22 footballers wearing purple. Lavender is great for yer Grandma's undies drawer - and yes, I am talking to you Ando - but on a footballer? The only purple I want to see is around the eyes of a Paaaaah player. For toughness they had to import Carr and Solomon. Result? Carr has gone 'home' to prosper with Port (OK, Glenelg in the SANFL), and Solomon was crap with the Bombers so you can guess what he's like wearing purple. I do have some words of encouragement for them though - actually I have three words to offer.

Come. Home. Pav.

It is a shame to see a good footballer wasted - and not in the Ben Cousins on a bender before a game kinda way. Pav - yer a star and you need a team that can offer you a position up forward. We can slot you in next to Walker and Tippett - maybe you can come off the bench - just come home.

To be fair, the Dockers provided some comic relief a few weeks ago by winning some games - 3 in a row actually. Of course that is all their wins to date. And it was enjoyable. It made it hard for us tippers. But it is no different to my round of golf on the weekend... after scoring a few singles, I returned to form - wipe... wipe... wipe...

If you have any doubts about whether you should ever tip Freo again this season, I would like you to peruse the lyrics to their club song. I'd be throwing games too if I had to sing this...

• Freo Way To Go
  Hit Em Real Hard
  Send Them Down Below
  Freo Give em The Old Heave-Ho
  We Are The Freo Dockers
  Freo Way To Go
  Hit Em Real Hard
  Send Them Down Below
  Freo Give em The Old Heave-Ho
  We Are The Freo Dockers
• We're the rollers, we're the rockers,
  We're the mighty Freo Dockers.
  We're gonna roll them and we'll rock em,
  We're gonna send them to the bottom
  And if they get up, we'll do it again.
  The Dockers stop at nothing, nothing!
• Doc-Doc-Dockers
  Show em how we rock
  Freo heave ho.
  Doc-Doc-Dockers
  Show em how we roll
  Go Dockers, go, go ,go!

No... please... Go....

The Half Time Verdict: Melbourne

Position: 16th
W/L: 1/11
Rubbish Factor: 100%

Melbourne. Well what can you say? No one expected anything and that is what they delivered. Dean Bailey looks like a pommie car salesman and he had the same quality of merchandise at his disposal. Descended from the Paps, his teams seems to have copied their defensive strategy - the Paps are one of the few teams who have had more points scored against them. One win - against the Tigers - the least points scored. Nine wins from 55 games. Glory days indeed...

Nup, there is nothing good to say about the Demons my friends, unless it's "Hey! My team is playing the Dees this week - cool! We need a percentage boost!"

The Verdict: It's In

Halfway through the season - sort of - and it is of course time for a scorecard, so while the dulcet tones of the Mighty Gunners blast in the background (It's So Easy), we'll start at the bottom of the table and go from there...

Round 12 - Again?

Deja Vu? No, still Round 12. Three games left, which leaves TreeFiddy begging the question "why not 4 and 4?" Well Dave, we just don't know but that's the way it is.

First off the rank is the Bombouts v the Deeeees. What a special game this will be. All these games do is give Hirdy a chance to say just how great the Bombers are. It's all about the Bombers isn't it Jimmy Boy? "Oh Essendon should have won the game. They gave it away." Still, the Bombers should win by plenty cos the Dees are exceptionally poor, so you can say how good yer ex-team is for another week. No, seriously. Ten goals.

In what should be a pretty good game (the only one), the Swans host the Pies at ANZ. The Pies have a great record at the Home of Banking, and the Swans desperately need the win. Given the Swans will have already marked Round 13 down as a loss, if they don't win this they can kiss 2.0.0.9. goodbye. Goodesy is in impressive form and the Pies have no one to match up on him. Rhys Shaw will rack up 41 possesions, bounce the ball 64 times, gain an impressive 428m for his team, and have 38 turnovers - 10 of which directly lead to Pies goals. Ahhh yes, the life of a double agent! An 8 point game is how they'll talk about it but I reckon the Swans will win by around 32 points - pending LRT's inclusion of course.

And finally, the Cats play the Dockers. "Ratings Bonanza". Not sure why they bother. It's not worth the greenhouse emissions getting players over there is it? Let's just give 3 points in the Brownlow to the Ablett and move on to Round 13.

Round 12.5 - Go on - Blame Injuries for Mediocrity

Well the Crows won Ugly - mainly courtesy of Laids putting 22 players in the defensive 50 for most of the game - but not as ugly as my golf. ooof. Hmmm. Yes, as bad as the Paaaah were (who would have thought?), you can take that and times by 2 - actually you can divide by 3 - and you'll be around the mark.

Lets give you a hint. First hole - Par 3. Feeling a little stiff through the shoulders. Pull it left. Tree provides a little challenge. Chip over the green into the water. Drop out, chip up on - long putt misses. WIPE. Hmm. Next. Par 4. Pull it left. Chip it into some trees/water. New ball. Chip, stuff up. Wipe. Hmmm. Next. Par 3. Pull it left through trees. Someone steals my ball. Wipe.

I think you get the picture. Actually those were possibly the highlight of the round for me - because after 3 holes I had only missed one putt and that was from 20 foot. *sighs* OK I know I had only had one putt at that stage, but as bad as those three holes were, they were really a bit like the first 3 quarters for the Hawks today. There was still hope my friends *sighs* and it only seems like 10 hours ago that someone was telling me how rubbish the Lions were, yet here we are, the Lions sit 4th on the ladder while the Hawks sit on the edge of the 8, ready to drop like a sack.

"Injuries!" they'll cry (because that's what Hawks supporters do - Cry), but lets see... the Lions had to travel to the Land of Two Heads, lost a Selwood in the first 13 minutes of the game, lost Clark in the 3rd quarter, and were already missing their entire backline against the supposedly oh so amazing Twin Towers. Aye, the Hawks are the luckiest Premiers since ... well... pretty much anyone. Fatboy Franklin and Ugly n Roughead are yesterdays hero's. They are the equivalent of Right Said Fred - a duo who gave us a one hit wonder with no lasting influence but allowed them to tell us just how sexy they were. The biggest disappointment for me is that Crawf didn't stick around for a year of failure. But nothings perfect.

Up in Darwin the Doggies had a night off ie they played the Paaaah. And of course it couldn't be that the Paaaaaaaah are just no good? Noooo of course not... Injuries. "...probably we've got too many (our our best players) sitting on the sidelines."

Oh Choco, were you saying that about the Hawks when you beat them? I can't remember you saying "Yeah, we beat the Hawks but they had a lot of players missing so it doesn't really count." NO - you said it was probably the best win ever by the club. Sword of Damacles. Clown. Of course last week I said it would be an absolute smashing and I wasn't disappointed. Overrated by themselves to the extreme, the Paaah are a bunch of downhill skiers. They get themselves up for two games a year (inferiority complex) and then get all wahey when they beat the might of the Eagles or Dees. Or the Hawks who are playing like chumps. Choco is no doubt currently negotiating with the Tigers as he runs the team into the ground and expects cash from the SANFL, and an AFL bailout.

Speaking of Tigers and over rated wins. The Tigers - resplendent with Mr Squiggle as the caretaker coach - beat the Eagles. Wow, he must be good on a chalk board eh? The Herald Sun actually said the Tigers looked better under Rawlings. Apparently Rawlings engineered the win. What an engineer. He can beat a team at home that has only won 3 games all year, 7 from their last 34, and hasn't won a single game interstate from it's last 17 attempts. BRILLIANT! GOLD! SIGN HIM UP! Actually, maybe he can swap with Choco and they can both celebrate wins against teams at the bottom of the table.

The Blues took on the Sinners and apparently were a little unlucky to lose - injuries again causing some mayhem. Is there a team that loses that doesn't blame injuries? "OOOOH WE HAD AN INJURY, WE ARE SO RUCKIN UNLUCKY!". Judging from Laidley's response to the Crows loss, no. "One man down again. i think we've played 12 games and finished 10 of them with 21 men." *SLAP* oh i'm sorry Dean, did I break your concentration? Get over it, move on. All teams get injuries during games. Admittedly Juddy looked like an extra from William Hartnell era Doctor Who, as his skull served as a midpoint for streaming blood, and admittedly without Juddy the Blues are a bunch of not quite good enoughs. But that is the difference between a good team (ie Geelong), and a team that won't make it (ie the Blues). The Sinners now have a club record 12 wins in a row and sit on top of the table. Nice. Who knows, they may be the real deal, but we'll have to wait until Round 14 before we know, and my money is on the Catters.

Round 12.5.1 coming soon...

Go You Double Blues!

The Mighty Double Blues are on top of the SANFL ladder! Gold Jerry... Gold!

http://www.sturtfc.com.au/

Round 12. It's Spilt.

Yep, it's split into 2 convenient bite-sized parcels. Isn't that nice? Five games this week and err... 3 the following. And it all kicks off with the Blues v Sinners. No doubt The Falcon will be back on board for this one - after all, they should be 10-1 at the mo. I, on the other hand, think that the Sinners will be all over the Blues like a bad case of swine flu. ie not as bad as normal flu but it keeps those healthcare professionals in a job eh? Expect no King-Hits, and expect no 8 goals from Fev as the Saints have a few defenders on the field. Sinners by plenty.

Speaking of Plenty, that will also be the margin up north as the Dogs take on the Paps in Darwin town. Yes, Tojo never made it, and no matter how many spa's the Paps have had recently - they won't either. Finally the Paps play a real team and you can already type in the heading "Dogs sink their teeth to turn the lights out on Paaaaaa v.2009". "Percentage" and "Booster" are two words that spring to mind.

The Tiggers and the Beagles. Won't this be a ripper of a game! The skill levels will leave us all astonished. Will we even know which way each team is kicking? Home ground is the only thing that suggests the Tigers in this game. I would like to say that a new coach will help but they picked Rawlings so 'Coach' is a stretch. The Tigers deserve failure with a move like that. But I picked the Eagles for bottom so... GO TIGERS!

On Sunday there should finally be a decent game. The Hawks play Brissy at Aurora. The Hawks were lucky to win their Swans game (money is in the mail to B. Hall), but the Lions haven't travelled too well over the last couple of years. Tis an 8 point game as they say, and a true 50/50 game. Hmmm. I'll flip a coin and go the home team. Go Tassie!

And in the last game of Round 12 part 1, the Crows host the Roooooooooooos. We all know these are the games the Roos win. That is because they are annoying, and is the reason they have slightly fewer supporters than the Paaaaah on dole day. I reckon you should all go the Roos, but I'll stay with the Crows for LOYALTY.

We're All Going on a ... Queens Birthday...

God Save the Queen... A Fascist Regime... Ah the Sex Pistols. Fear not, you will not be subjected to 46 Pistols song titles - they didn't have that many.

But it was a a fine long weekend in Sunny Sydney, as we had crowsfc visit ye olde town before heading off to Stockholm for the hot stuff! Oh the tales he confided to me in a drunken haze of soon-to-be-defeated sexual frustration - 101 & Gutterguard, there were many long stories made short, and I will start up another blog devoted to tales of your drunken depravity! Scene 1: France. Tres Disturbing.

But to the football... and what a weekend it was for the Loyal! Yes, it all pretty much went to plan this weekend, with really just the one upset - the Blues beat the Lions up at the Gabba. Huge effort there with The Fev cranking out 8 goals while Johnno Brown sprayed them wider than Ian Perrie used to on a good day.

But why was it one for the loyal? Well my friends, it's because Chris Judd's Hair scored a perfect 8 (and thus 9), AND profited by putting his $ where his mouth is due to Loyalty, while a certain Mr Falcon - supposed BluesMan - dobbed seven from 8. I know - yer thinking he must have picked an upset - maybe the Bombers over the Mighty Mighty Crows? But Nay! He picked the Lions over His Blues. And not only did it cost him 2 points in the tipping but the 'Blue All The Way Thru' boy put his hard earned crusties on all the certainties this weekend... ie Cats... Saints... Lions... OOF! SHAME FALCON SHAME. Utility Smoothing? I celebrate your failure Falcon ole chap, almost as much as I take delight in the victory of the Mighty Mighty's over the Bombers.

Speaking of the Crows... we thought we would switch from our standard "dominate the first half, take the third quarter off and make sure of it in the last" routine. It was getting tired. So this week we made it a lil fun for the Bombers Faithful (there are a couple out there aren't there?), give them a show in the first half and then let Tyson & Tippet get on with the rest. How good was the game? Goals from every Bombers orifice - even the 3rd worst player in the AFL scored 3 in the first half (LRT is still President, Stanton is Vice, but Jooooobe is definitely Secretary of State). The umpires kicked 2 for the Bombers as well just to keep the Victorians interested, but none of this was enough to keep the Bombers in with a show. As per usual JimmyBoy Hird said the Bombers threw the game away. LET GO JAMES! If he Coaches another team he will throw games against the Bombers. Move on. Too Good James. Too Good.

On Friday night the Tigers dragged the Doggies down to their level for the first half but once it was confirmed that Rawlings was the new Richmond Coach, the team lost all respect for anything associated with the Black n Gold, packed up and went home. Rawlings? He IS Mr Squiggle. The only surprise to me is that Essendon didn't pick him as their coach first.

The Roos ended up getting spanked by the Sinners although it was a little closer than the scoreboard said. But lets be honest. It's North Melbourne and no one cares. 30,000 people showed up and 25k of them were Sinners supporters. THe sooner Laidely packs his bags and buys 22 tickets to the Gold Coast the better. On second thoughts they should just join forces with Melbourne and form a SuperPower... Actually we all know they would form a team that would still get beaten by everyone - even the Pies would beat em but not by as much as they did the Dees on their own. Ahh the Pies. Is it possible for them to get a better draw? I'm surprised Eddie hasn't organised with the AFL to get a bye any time they are drawn to play a top 3 team. More than half the season to go and they play one Top 3 team again, and after the next round they play interstate once more. Oh the charmed life.

Port beat Freo. I suppose that will make them happy. The Dockers are shizer and beating crap teams seems to validate the folk down at Alberton. The Cats beat the Eagles but they seemed to sleepwalk through that one. It's always handy when the opposition pinpoints passes into your forward line. And finally, Barry Hall beat the Swans on behalf of the Hawkers. Oh dear. I only turned on as he was halfway through the 2nd 50...

Round 11? It's split. And you'll get yer damn update soon!

Round 11 Preview...

See... Told you I'd be back. Yup, Round 11 kicks off with the Terry Wallace Tribute Match. 44 players and umpteen administrators, and what do they have in common? They all hate Terry Wallace. Harsh but fair. I wouldn't be surprised to see the Tigers use the picture of Benny C distributing the finger as it's farewell banner for Tez, while the Doggies bring in their Indian contingent to burn a few effigies of their once proud leader. They reckon these are the kind of games in which a team really turns it on, but lets be honest, the Tigers will be spanked like a 1950's naughty schoolboy. And they'll love it. One question though... they can't seriously be looking at Campbell as coach... can they???? Surely 30 years where mediocrity was your peak performance is enough?

On Saturday the Roos host the Sinners. You can mark down a perfect 11 for the Sinners. I saw that the Roos apologised to both their fans for locking them out on the weekend - they didn't realise they were going to bring their mums along to watch as well and hadn't boiled enough water for 2 flasks of tea.

In one of the tougher picks this week, the Blues travel north to Brisvegas. Yes, the Blues won last week against that tough buncha weakles, but Brissy are travelling along very nicely and they'll be keen to atone for the loss in round 2. Must say, I HATE this method for the draw - 16 teams - they should all play each other once before playing any other team... in Daaaaaaaaaaave parlance, IT IS RUBBISH!

Speaking of rubbish, the Paps play the Dockers at Insurance Park. Yup, the two newest franchises get to run around in their dodgy colours for all to see - i'm hoping they both wear their away strips cos they look STRONG! Chadders is out for 6 weeks - the victim of his first attempt at a hard ball in 3 years. The Dockers couldn't beat the Tigers so will probably win this.

Of course the Bombouts are hosting the Mighty Mighties in the airconditioned comfort that is KeviRudd Stadium. Daaaaaaaaaaaaave is slightly cocky but refuses to actually part with his less-than-hard-earned. DAVE - MONEY WHERE YER MOUTH IS OLD MAN! Personally I am hoping you all tip the Bombers, so I'll try and write something positive about them... lets see... they have beaten some really crap teams this year when they were all playing particularly poorly (as evidenced by the fact that the Bombers beat them) - the Hawks, the Tigers, the Pies, the Roos and the Dockers. I think Dustin Fletcher is out (Essendon own version of LRT), so their defence can only be strengthened. Matty Knights has the kind of haircut that would fit in well with the Jnr Crows Brigade. What else... uhm. Matty Lloyd's had his hair coloured for the week - looks pretty good. Paddy Ryder can take a handy leap, and one or two of the boys can run pretty fast. But that's like saying Ando hits the ball LONG (I know he does cos he told me) - that's fine, but it's gotta be in the right direction! Hmm. Sorry - I'm stumped for any other positives, but please DO pick the Bombers... they are the Future.

Over at the G, the Hawkers should be too good for the Sydney Swines. The Swans cost me two points last week, and as much as I don't rate the Hawks TOO highly, I think they'll have the Swans measure. And then in the games of the round, the Eagles should be too good for the Cats, and the Dees will continue their great form with a win over the Pies. See what I did there? Ancient Jedi Trick... you WILL pick the Eagles... you WILL pick the Dees... you WILL show up to work on Monday and look really silly...

Oh and the answer is 34. There were 34 AC/DC songs in the blog... go on... count them.